Are You Strong Enough To Be My Man

I’ve been single for well over a decade now with an occasional relationship, if they could even be considered relationships, throughout this time. Obviously, they haven’t worked out and I’ve had plenty of time to ponder why. I’ve also had time to know what I don’t want to do anymore, even though I seem to repeatedly fall into the same pattern.

One of the biggest problems is ego. Not mine, theirs. Some of these men have required serious ego stroking. They spent a lot of time talking about how amazing and strong they are, and I allowed them to. Why they felt this was necessary had nothing to do with me. I would listen to their stories and their bragging, and offer acknowledgment and encouragement, and that would take up about 75% of our conversations. Repeatedly.

I didn’t complain because initially I enjoyed listening to the stories until it became a ritual and I realized I could have been anyone as long as they were able to talk about themselves. They weren’t bragging to impress me. They were trying to impress and convince themselves that they were the men they strived to be.

I don’t want to do this anymore. It’s not my job to make a man feel good about himself. And I’m not being heartless here. Everyone needs support now and then, along with deserved accolades and special attention. But my days as a daily, ego-boosting cheerleader have come to an end.

Then there’s the control factor. Just about everything we did was controlled by these men. My ideas were postponed for a later time that would never happen. I don’t want to do this anymore either. In my opinion, a fulfilled relationship needs to allow for equal input and compromise.

Is it so unreasonable to want a partner who is mature and comfortable with himself? Someone who sees me as an equal and allows me to view him the same way.

Perhaps I'm the real problem. I am a strong, independent woman and I think that intimidates many men. They say they like that, but do they really? What makes a man feel better than a woman who can rely on him. It gives him power and secures his position as “the man.” But why can’t we both be strong and in our vulnerable moments be there to reassure each other physically and emotionally?

I’ve also gotten used to being alone and eating when and what I want, watching what I want, going to sleep or waking up when I want, and basically not answering to anyone but myself. And trust me, that can be tough enough because I’m hard on myself if I feel I’m wasting away a precious day.

In reality, I’m not sure how I can expect anyone to actually be in a relationship with me since I even confuse myself sometimes. I want a bad boy who deep down is really a good man and doesn’t that say it all, lol.