Gym Bitch

We’re all familiar with the term “gym rat,” but I’ll bet you’ve never heard of a “gym bitch.” Well, that’s me. I am a gym bitch and here’s why:

1. I don’t trust you to stay in your designated space during our gym class and you never do, thereby making me feel bitchy toward you.

2. You can’t just do the exercise or dance like a normal person, you have to be adding that extra bounce, hop, skip or jump, thereby making me feel bitchy toward you.

3. You can’t wear a normal gym outfit. You have to have your more often than not fake boobs showing lots of cleavage as you work out in a bra while your butt is enhanced by those special gym pants or shorts (usually beige so you look naked at first glance) that outline even your cellulite, and yes girls, some of you do have cellulite, and yes girls, I am jealous of some of you, thereby making me feel bitchy toward you.

4. You come to the gym clearly looking for a man and stare at yourself in the mirror through every breath, squat and lift, thereby making me feel bitchy toward you.

5. You come to the gym clearly looking for a woman and wear the most ridiculous, shorty-short workout shorts, or strange workout pants that you think or hope enhance your package, thereby making me feel bitchy toward you.

6. You take it all so seriously as if your muscles are a contribution to the good of society, thereby making me feel bitchy toward you.

7. As the instructor, you keep playing the same songs during Zumba over and over until I want to poke my eyes out (please somebody, save me from Footloose), thereby making me feel bitchy toward you.

8. It’s ridiculously hard finding parking at times, thereby making me feel bitchy toward you.

And these are some of the reasons I’m a gym bitch. I’ve only recently returned to the gym after working out solely at home since Covid and I remember being irritated back then too. I guess one might wonder why I’ve returned.

So I can be around people, of course! 😂