Retirement 101 - Second Entry

1/6/22 – I walked yesterday for about 40 minutes then came back and worked with weights for a bit. I finally got around to washing Justin’s sheets, blankets, and towel now that he has returned to Dallas. I miss my son, who I am so very close to, more than I can say. What I didn’t talk about yesterday was how this retirement is so bittersweet for me. I think part of that is because I do not have a significant other to share my hard-earned freedom. It’s not like, “Hey babe, we can finally travel and share some fun things.” It’s just me, myself and I and the three of us are struggling to keep it together. I also didn’t mention that I am terrified my monthly income will not be high enough to live the quality of life I desire, which is moderate at best. I didn’t realize I will be taxed on my pension and there will be more bills to pay than before because I had my health insurance previously covered. Although I have Medicare now, I still have to pay for Part B and a drug plan and medigap insurance. I also plan on moving to the St. Pete area and will probably pay a higher rent. But I have to leave. There is nothing here for me to do. I crave a more city style of life and will get involved in the museum life up there by becoming a member. It will give me more to do and allow me more opportunities to meet people. However, I have to see what my income will be before figuring out where I’ll land. There will be more about this throughout this journal and journey. I haven’t mentioned before that I am involved in the strangest relationship which is mostly virtual with someone from my past. He has a tremendous amount of responsibility with a complicated life and in almost two years, I have only managed to see him about six times. This relationship has been hard on me but also incredibly amazing and there will be more about this later on.

The thing about working all your life and finally retiring is that now you are old. I am old. This country does not revere their elderly and I feel I will fade into the invisible world of old people where one is barely distinguishable from the other. I fear I will become insignificant and my worth to others lessened. I plan to work hard remaining significant to myself. I want to concentrate on writing again now that I will have the time. I was published many times in the past, but I’m an average unknown…for now, lol.

Today, I have already walked and I’m about to do a YouTube weight workout. I’ll have lunch after that and then concentrate on putting away my Christmas decorations. It will be a process, however, since I will need to decide what I’m keeping. It is my goal to concentrate on simplifying my life. If I haven’t used something in years or don’t even remember having it, then it will be banished. I think I will try to sell some items and donate others, and then trash what’s left. My marriage bedroom set from 1977 will not travel with me one more time. Gone. No reminders please and I go to sleep and wake up to it every day. I need to rid myself of guilt; it's a killer.

By the way, this past month has been so emotional for me. The holidays always depress me now that things have changed so much from when my kids were younger. Shortly after Justin came to visit, he got Covid and then my ex got it. My other son is struggling with his life and I worry about him constantly. I hate saying goodbye to anyone since I’ve been about four years-old and have always suffered separation anxiety. With Justin returning home and me retiring, goodbye has been the main theme. Okay, enough of that. YouTube, here I come.

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