Retirement 101 - Third Entry

1/7/22 – I spent yesterday afternoon applying for the rest of my health insurances, medigap and D and then going over my financial status. After getting my mail, I found out I was worse off than I had already deduced. Because I had to take my sister’s inherited IRA in a lump sum, Medicare decided my income for 2020 was too high without paying additional monies for Medicare Parts B and D for the next year. Now I’m $80 less than before and that amount was already going to be a struggle. I was informed it will go back to the original cost next year, but still. If rents weren’t so high, I would be able to live more comfortably, but that’s not the world we live in right now. Most of my friends will have way higher pensions and Social Security than me. I feel as if I failed my potential having chosen my career path. I’m trying not to be down on myself, but I worked so hard and only have this in the end. Yet, I know I’m so much better off than so many others. I guess I just need to let this all sink in. But the reality is that I will need to work if I want to leave my savings intact. I’ve been told, “You’re retired, decompress.” How, when I’m already worried about paying my bills. I’ll get to St. Pete and not be able to afford to do anything. Perfect.

Another thing, I need to stop smoking. I hate myself every day, yet I keep smoking. What more can I say other than I pray I won’t hurt myself before I find the strength to quit.

Today, I need to wash my hair, lol. With nowhere to go now, it’s hard to make the effort to look decent. Of course, I shower every day, but the effort put into washing hair is hardly worth it if nobody is going to see you. My daily clothes now consist of torn, worn, comfy shorts and tee shirts. I realized if I continue to go braless, my boobs will hit my knees in six months, but who wants to sit around in tight, binding bras all day. So, I have resorted to wearing bralettes as a compromise. I think today I’ll go buy some more while I still have some money. I feel so blue right now and it’s only day three. My guy said, “Don’t start freaking out just yet. You haven’t even gotten to day 3.” I know he’s right, but hell. I’m lonely, scared both emotionally and financially, and I miss having a reason to wear all my beautiful work clothes. I have no pets, and clearly cannot afford to have any at this point, so I have nobody to hold and/or comfort me. And so, day 3, I’m crying once again. Worked all these years to reach a point of total isolation and emptiness. Yep, I’m having a ball here. But I’m healthy …. for the moment …. and I have to learn to live in the present and not worry so much about the future. So here I go, planning today. I will shower, then go to Bath and Body for their semi-annual sale, then go to Target perhaps to get bralettes, then come home and put away my Christmas decorations. Yes, I know I was supposed to do that yesterday, but all that insurance and financial stuff took hours. I did manage to put away the items I brought home from my former office at least. I’ll also clean the apt when I’m finished with the decorations today. Wow, retirement is so much damn fun. But I have to remember that’s what I’m striving for. I have a few months of hard work ahead of me, but then perhaps I’ll get to enjoy some of retirement.

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